7 Things We Should Be Able to Do From Our Phones

Nov 24, 2015 | Other

Quicken Loans just announced that people can finance a home from their phone thanks to their new program Rocket Mortgage. Now that we can do something so important from the comfort of our own home with a few key strokes, I can only ponder all of the other maddening, time-consuming tasks that we should be able to complete with our phone. So here are 7 annoying things that we can all agree should be able to be done with our phones.

1. Remotely drive cars

It’s not the RC truck that you never got for Christmas, it’s your 2005 Ford Taurus directly controlled by your phone! Why fight the rush hour traffic when you can safely drive your car to your home from your office while avoiding the family that crushed your hopes and dreams?

2. Build wooden furniture by hand

Why should craftsmanship be awarded to the natural craftsmen who spent years meticulously learning the secrets of woodworking through trial and error? I want to build my Indian hardwood table now!

3. Harass people who I dislike or disagree with

Oh wait a minute, I have Twitter. Never mind. Carry on.

4. Steal Lomotil from Retirement Homes

Because I’d rather not choose between eating whole bags of Dorito’s at a time and not having diarrhea. And I’ll be damned if I fork over $30 to big pharma. Did you they knowlingly put mercury in vaccines?

5. Date

Before you say anything, no, Tinder and Bumble don’t count. I’ve been right swiping forever and have not had a single match, so these apps are obviously broken. I’m talking about a REAL dating app for the modern man, an app that lets you send unsolicited sexual pictures to any woman (or man, I’m not homophobic) of your choice.

6. Stream The Expendables 2 on an infinite loop

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I know what Netflix is. I don’t care about Netflix. Why would I want to watch There Will be Blood when I can just watch the greatest movie from the greatest film trilogy forever?

7. Vote

Honestly, isn’t driving to some community center and standing in a tiny booth a little archaic for taking part in our American birthright? I think it’s time for Americans to be able to vote from the comfort of their own home, with their phone, and not letting little inconveniences (like being a convicted felon, which is another battle I have to fight) get in the way of democracy.